Okay, after I get the tickets, you Iine up for the popcorn...
whiIe I go naiI down some good seats.
I want butter in the middIe. Don磘 just Iet them squirt it on the top.
And a Iarge cherry sIurpy.
Then you hoId the seats whiIe I go to the men磗 room...
and then I碔I do the same for you.
That way we can enjoy our drinks during the movie without fear.
Got you.
-You磖e not gonna do any of that, are you? -Nope.
So you want to go in there with no coordination...
-no strategy, just winging it? -That磗 what I磎 thinking.
I have no faith in this at aII.
Now for her, I磀 stand in Iine for a butter squirt.
Yeah, she is a hottie.
Hey, that磗 no hottie. That磗 your ex-wife.
-Judith? -AIan.
Sorry about the squirt thing.
Wow, Iook at you. New hair, cIothes.
You Iook.... Wow.
-Thank you. -No, thank you.
It磗 a pubIic service...
when a gay chick goes Iipstick instead of Iumberjack.
So, how was the movie? Where磗 Jake?
Home with the babysitter. AIan, I磎 kind of on a date.
Okay, is that her?
Hi, nice to meet you. I磎 the ex.
AIan, that磗 not my date.
-Hey, AIan. -PhiI? What a coincidence.
PhiI is Jake磗 soccer coach. PhiI, you remember Judith.
WeII, yeah....
One-Mississippi...
-AIan? -What?
...two-Mississippi.
Oh, God.
Okay, we磖e aII caught up.
Wait, you磖e dating PhiI? How can you be dating PhiI?
AIan, he asked me out.
What about the whoIe gay thing? Did you even give that a chance?
PhiI, we磀 better go.
Hey, Iook, AIan, I hope this doesn磘 affect our friendship.
-No. CaII me, we碔I hang out. -Great. Hey, how磗 Tuesday?
Tuesday磗 good. Judith, how磗 Tuesday for you?
Just waIk away.
I know you buiIt your sundeck without a permit and I am caIIing it in.
AIan, chiII.
That two-faced, wife-poaching, soccer-coaching, rat-bastard!
Come on, Iet it go.
-I碔I treat you to a cherry sIurpy. -I don磘 want a cherry sIurpy.
Are you sure? 碈ause I think PhiI磗 gonna get one.
What does she think she磗 doing?
She磗 straight, she磗 gay, she磗 straight again.
PIace your bets. Where she Iands, nobody knows.
AIan, it磗 no big deaI.
Women get to experiment with their sexuaIity.
It磗 onIy guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
-Where do you get this stuff? -I make it up.
Anyway, it doesn磘 matter what Judith is.
-It onIy matters what she磗 not. -And what is she not?
She is not coming back to you, paI.
Thank you for your sensitivity.
AII I磎 saying is, is that Judith has moved on with her Iife...
and maybe it磗 time for you to do the same.
I know. It磗 just.... I can磘.
-Sure you can. I碔I heIp you. -How?
I don磘 know, by saying things Iike, 创Sure you can. I碔I heIp you.创
Great, thanks.
Look, this isn磘 just about you, you know?
AII this waIIowing in the past is causing other peopIe to suffer.
-You mean Jake. -I mean me.
You are reaIIy starting to piss me off.
Okay, that磗 enough heIp for now.
I磎 saying maybe it磗 time to stop feeIing sorry for yourseIf.
-You磖e right, I know you磖e right. -Forget Judith.
There磗 a whoIe worId out there that you haven磘 pissed off yet.
There is no reason I couIdn磘 find happiness with someone eIse.
There you go.
This couId be the beginning of the rest of my Iife.
A bit of a bumper sticker, but sure, why not?
In fact, for the first time since coIIege, I can go after any woman I want.
Heck, I couId take a page from your book...
-and date them two, three at a time. -Yeah, right. I mean, yeah, right.
You know what? I磎 gonna start right now.
I am gonna die aIone.
No.
You just don磘 know how to seII yourseIf. Give me a minute.
-So? -If it was up to them, you磀 die aIone.
-Great. -Okay, here磗 the thing.
If you want to pIay in this Ieague, you have to make a few changes.
-Like what? -Hang on.
-Pretty much everything. -Everything?
Yep. The hair, the cIothes, the fuddy-duddy personaIity.
What do they know about my personaIity?
Okay, that part磗 mine.
Face it, AIan, you磛e been an oId fart since you were 14.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means, how many eighth-graders carry a briefcase and a pocket watch?
That was the Esperanto CIub Iook.
UnIess you know where aII the hot Esperanto chicks hang out...
you磖e gonna need to shake things up a IittIe.
ReaIIy? And how to do I go about 创shaking things up创?
Hang on.
This may take a whiIe. Don磘 wait up.
Hey, guess what?
Coach PhiI made me first-string on the soccer team.
-Is that so? -Yeah, it磗 weird, 碿ause I suck.
Maybe Coach PhiI sees some potentiaI.
-So, what eIse is new? -Mom磗 got new cIothes and new hair.
It磗 Iike she磗 a different person or something.
-But she磗 stiII the same person, Jake. -No, not reaIIy.
She waIks around the house singing aII the time.
-She just sings for no reason? -I guess.
I wonder if it磗 the same reason I sing for no reason.
Does Coach PhiI sing for no reason?
For God磗 sake, CharIie!
How come you haven磘 changed anything yet, Dad?
-Why shouId I change? -So you磀 Iook cooI Iike Mom.
-You don磘 think I Iook cooI now? -No.
You know what, it doesn磘 matter if I Iook cooI...
we judge a person by what磗 inside them, not by what they wear.
Lucky for you.
Yeah, Iucky.
-I磎 done. Can I go watch TV? -Sure.
HeIp me, CharIie. I want to sing for no reason.
Get your jacket. It磗 time to go.
I don磘 want to go. I hate cIothes shopping.
-You can磘 stay here aIone. -Why not?
You know why not.
But you don磘 have a turtIe to put in the microwave anymore.
-Get your jacket. -Fine.
I碔I put on my stupid jacket, we碔I get in the stupid car...
and we碔I go stupid cIothes shopping.
Hey, don磘 taIk to your stupid father Iike that.
-So, you ready for your big makeover? -You know what? ActuaIIy, I am.
-I was up aII night thinking about it. -AII night?
Maybe your money磗 better spent on a hooker.
No, Iisten...
I was in the bathroom, Iooking at myseIf in the mirror...
when I noticed, and I think I can be compIeteIy objective about this...
that I have a very nice ass for a guy my age.
And I think I shouId start dressing in such a way as to pIay that card.
You know, for the Iadies.
Go ahead, check it out.
Am I Iying?
-Hi, Mom. -Good, you remember me.
-HeIIo, CharIie. -Hey, Mom, right?
Very cute. I was in the neighborhood, I thought I磀 stop by.
I磎 sorry, Mom. We were just Ieaving.
It never faiIs, does it?
Whenever I wouId Iike to spend some quaIity time with my grandson...
there磗 aIways something more important going on.
It磗 not fair, you know.
I磎 not getting cIothes, so why do I have to go and be bored?
You don磘, you can stay here with Grandma.
-What? -What?
-Have fun. -Wait, no, I碔I be good, I swear.
Payback磗 a bitch, buddy.
-This department Iooks nice. -You磖e sure?
Because this is the top fIoor. There磗 no more cIothes above this fIoor.
-No, I have a good feeIing about this fIoor. -Great.
-How about this shirt? -No, I don磘 think so.
Okay.
-How about this? -No.
Good.
-This one? -No.
-This? -No.
TeII you what, why don磘 you pick something?
-I thought you were gonna heIp me? -Pick something.
Okay, fIying soIo.
This is something I couId see myseIf wearing.
-You Iike this? -Yeah.
Let me see that.
PIease, if she has one more faceIift, she碔I be wearing her ass as a hat.
Jake, honey...
turn the TV down, Grandmommy磗 on the teIephone.
I磎 sorry, what?
No, I磎 just spending a IittIe quaIity time with my grandson.
He磗 an amazing boy. We磖e very cIose, two peas in a pod.
What? HoId on.
Jake, how oId are you?
-Ten. -Seven.
I said, 创Ten.创
If I磎 55, you磖e seven.
He磗 an adorabIe boy, and he just Ioves me so much.
Jake, teII my friend, CheryI, how much you Iove Grandmommy.
Go on, darIing.
I磎 10.
How磗 it going in there?
Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
I don磘 know, AIan. Maybe there were too many injuries.
Nobody ever got their baIIs caught in a buttonhoIe.
-Come on out, Iet磗 see. -I磎 just not sure about this.
We磖e never gonna find the right Iook for you unIess we experiment.
Now, Iet磗 see.
I磎 not happy with visibIe nippIes.
Yeah, that磗 what is wrong with it.
That磗 it. We need a gay guy.
His name is Sponge Bob Square Pants, and his friend磗 name is Patrick.
He磗 a starfish, and he Iives on the same street Sponge Bob...
and he磗 unbeIievabIy dumb. Squidward Iives there, too.
Of course, he磗 a squid and he hates Sponge Bob...
and he pIays the cIarinet.
Both Squidward and Sponge Bob work at the Crusty Krab for Mr. Krab...
who磗 reaIIy cheap, but Sponge Bob doesn磘 care...
because he just Iikes being a fry cook and making Krabby--
So, bottom Iine...
he磗 a sponge?
Yeah.
His pants are square 碿ause he磗 square and so is his underwear.
They磖e tighty-whities, but they磖e square.
-Oh, dear God. -He has a pet snaiI named Gary, that....
Okay, reIax the shouIders, good. The styIe suits you...
the pants hang beautifuIIy. Oh, dear.
What?
You磖e not gonna be wearing those shoes, are you?
-Say no. -No.
CouId you show us some shoes that wiII go with this?
I磎 sorry, I don磘 actuaIIy work here. I came in for a beIt.
Okay, we got an outfit. Let磗 go find some shoes.
No, CharIie, I磎 done. I can磘 do this anymore.
Don磘 worry. I磎 sure there碔I be a gay guy in the shoe department.
No, I磛e changed my mind. I don磘 want new cIothes.
What? You Iook great. That guy said you Iooked stunning.
He said 创fabuIous,创 but that磗 not the point.
-This is not who I am. -Yeah.
But who you are couIdn磘 get Iaid underwater with a tank fuII of oxygen.
-Forget it, Iet磗 just go home. -Wait a second.
I spend aII day schIepping from store to store with you...
Iistening to you whine, and now that we finaIIy found...
-something that works, you want to baiI? -I don磘 feeI comfortabIe in this stuff.
-I knew it. I knew you磀 chicken out. -Chicken out?
I磎 not even gonna dignify that with a response.
At Ieast your wife had the guts to try something new.
Don磘 go there, CharIie.
I mean, the soccer coach was kind of a sideways move...
-but you gotta admire the effort. -Fine.
I wiII buy the stupid cIothes, but I磎 never ever...
-going to do this with you again. -Promise?
I just hope he磗 worth aII the drama.
HeIIo. Mom, Jake?
In here.
HeIIo.
-Hey, Dad. -Hi, AIan.
-Rose, what are you doing here? -Babysitting.
-Where磗 my mother? -She Ieft.
-Why? -I don磘 know.
We were watching Sponge Bob Square Pants...
and she stood up and said, 创Life was too short.创
LuckiIy, I happened to be out on the deck...
not doing anything, just passing by...
and she asked me to baby-sit.
-Dad, you Iook cooI. -ReaIIy? You think?
Yeah, very sexy.
So where is CharIie?
He dropped me off. We had a IittIe disagreement.
Was it about those dorky shoes?
-Hi. -Hi.
-Mind if I join you? -Might as weII.
You磖e gonna have to drive me home.
I just wanted to say that I know you were just trying to heIp...
and I appreciate it.
Thanks.
I just got a IittIe panicky. Change is not easy for me, CharIie.
ReaIIy? I hadn磘 noticed.
And I磎 not just taIking about the cIothes.
The cIothes are onIy the tip of the iceberg.
OnIy the tip of the iceberg.
Leanne, I磎 gonna need another shot.
-Continue. -Yeah, it磗 Iike...
I was married a Iong time, CharIie.
It磗 who I was, it was my identity...
创Married Guy,创 创Husband Man,创 创Captain DependabIe创...
and I had a uniform.
And, I don磘 know, I guess, I just didn磘 want to take it off.
碈ause you磀 Iose your powers of dependabiIity?
-So, CharIie, who磗 your friend? -My brother, AIan.
Hi, AIan. I磎 Leanne. It磗 nice to meet you.
I磛e actuaIIy met you a bunch of times.
No, I磀 remember you.
I come in here with CharIie aII the time, I aIways order a rum and Diet Coke?
Right.
So, AIan, the usuaI?
No, today Iet磗 try something different.
-CharIie, what are you having? -TequiIa shooters with a beer back.
Great. I wiII have a rum and Diet Coke.
You磛e got it, hon.
Was she fIirting with me? I think she was fIirting with me.
I think there was definiteIy a connection.
AIan, you do understand she works for tips?
-Rum and Diet Coke, pIease? -Here.
-Did you see that? -What do you expect?
You bought a sport jacket, not a magic Iamp.
HeIIo.
I didn磘 see you back there.
Oh, yeah.
I磎 ready for my cIose-up, Mr. DeMiIIe.
EngIish